my day

ok, so i said the next post would be on POTS. things change. i'm going in a different direction today. no medical/body explanation, instead let's discuss my birthday as it is also something i usually avoid talking about. but not because i hate getting older, i love getting older. i can't wait to have grey hair and be old enough to call everyone "darling."

today October 6, 2010 i am 33.

if you remember on my last post about RSD, while i was in the adolescent psychiatric unit, i discussed being suicidal and how the reason i did not attempt my plan was because i did not want my friend Julie to be the one to find me. it don't always like admitting that, i feel like there should have been more reasons- family, friends or just that normal will to live. but there wasn't. Julie was why i didn't attempt suicide.

we kept in touch after i was discharged, but i never saw her again. she was discharged while i was on the pain management unit. she had stopped by to say, "goodbye" but i was off the unit and didn't get to see her. we mostly talked on the phone & wrote letters. fall of 93 i called and her family informed me she was back in a psychiatric unit. so i wrote her a letter. a short while later, i received a card from her step-mother. when i opened the card, my letter fell out. her step-mother informed me that Julie had committed suicide on October 6, 1993. my 16th birthday. i just remember collapsing down on the floor of the kitchen and crying. my parents were there and saying something about her being in a better place but i was completely disoriented.

the next year, my wonderful friends tried to make it a birthday week celebration. i remember there was at least 3 cakes. but it was different for me. the day had completely changed meaning. back then it was a little depressing- just thinking about Julie being gone. but over the years, it has become about being thankful i am alive. yet- it is still a deeply personal & introspective day that makes it difficult to be around other people. especially if they are going on about my birthday & how it feels to be older making me the center of attention. it is really hard for me to explain this. people always think, but it is your birthday, let's celebrate! but let's face it- i hate being the center of attention. i always have. i am an introvert and i am ok with that. and quite frankly- i have super awesome family & friends that tell me i am awesome every day of the year. so while i appreciate that you want to tell me that you love me & celebrate me- as is tradition in this country, when it is your birthday- you get to pick what you want to do. and i want to be left alone. i don't expect that you stop acknowledging it is my birthday- posting happy bday messages on fb, calling, sending cards or whatever it is you want to do. but i do not want to go out & make a spectacle of the day. i want to take stock of my life. i want to think about the past years and also the future. i want to sit by myself and talk out loud to Julie- and quite frankly, that is a conversation there is no way you can be a part of.

i am not sitting around sulking. i just want to re-connect to myself. i want to tear myself apart a little bit and see what i find. i want to look into the dark corners that i often ignore. i want to let all my emotions out at the same time. and i appreciate that you give me space to do all of this, cause it is really all i want for my birthday.